Phantom Heartstrings Read online

  Drake: One thing you’ll never be is alone. I’m here and we’ll do whatever we have to do to get passed it together. I’m sorry, Cams. Please can we finally sit down and talk? Face to face? I need to hear your voice and I need to see your eyes to know if you’re ok.

  There’s so much to talk about. I know losing the baby was just the top of the iceberg. I’m not sure we can really sit down and talk all this out in one conversation and everything go back to being hunky dory.

  Me: We’ll try. There’s a lot. We don’t have a plethora of time but we can try.

  I don’t even know how to begin to figure out the number of hours we’d need to talk through everything, and manage to make time for that huge amount when we have the kid’s home, and everything we need to do to keep this household running. But, I said we’d try and that’s really all I can do right now. Try.

  Drake: Cams, all we have is time. I’m not going anywhere. We have our whole life. We’ll make time and we’ll figure it out. I love you.

  My. God. Who is this man?

  Me: And I you. Go back to work. I’m busy, I have notes to read.

  I put my phone down and continue my mission collecting them all one by one and reading along the way through the house.

  You are stronger than you give yourself credit for.

  You are the best mommy in the world.

  You do everything to keep this family going.

  I’m sorry for forgetting to remind you how precious you are.

  You’re the quarterback in my game.

  Our kids have beautiful eyes because of you.

  You make the best chili.

  You snore but it’s the cutest snore in the world.

  I love the way you say my name.

  I love our room especially when we’re alone in it.

  I like doing dirty things to you, I think you like it too.

  I have tears in my eyes as I read the notes. The more intimate notes were placed strategically out of reach and away from the eyes of the children. I know he put a lot of thought and hours of planning into this. Some of the things written he’s said to me before but some, I’ve never heard and honestly didn’t know he had it in him to put on paper. I briefly wonder if he had help writing these but who would he ask for help? He’s not the type of man to just go out on a limb and ask for a favor.

  Throughout the family room, hallways, bedroom, bathrooms, kitchen, dining room I’ve collected hundreds of papers and I’ve been steadily reading every one for over an hour and I’m still not done, there’s one more room. My office and I’m not surprised to see so many more around this room.

  You have more talent in your pinky than most have in their whole body.

  You deserve more time to do the things you love.

  You are the hardest worker.

  Please stop doing the things that you don’t enjoy. Focus on you, babe. It’s time.

  This room probably has a hundred notes alone. I suppose he knew how important this space was to me, because this is where he also chose to leave a letter in a sealed envelope. I open the envelope and slide out three pages full of his writing.

  Cams,

  I know you’re struggling. I know what we lost. I’m devastated for us both. No matter how many things I can do in this life to make things right or make things go our way, I couldn’t do anything. It kills me and I feel like I’ve failed you.

  I was scared that day. I was a disaster over losing our baby, but I was terrified of losing you too. I know that when you woke up it was hard to see past the loss and I understand. But when you woke up I was so grateful that I still had you, that it made the loss feel less significant. It wasn’t insignificant! Losing the baby caused a pain I could never describe. But, I STILL HAD YOU and you are my survival raft! I knew I could move on even with the little corner of my heart broken to shards.

  But, watching you mourn the loss of our baby… Damn. I miss your bight light. I miss your touch. I miss your smile. I miss you so fucking much and you’re standing in front of me every day. YOU babe, are the one that makes my whole world work.

  I know now that I’ve done a shitastic job (as you say) of showing you how much you mean to me and I’m sorry. I’m so damn sorry I can’t see straight. I’m going to work double time to show you. I see you! I know your heart and I know it’s broken right now and not only from the loss of our baby.

  I know that I’ve had a part in your pain and I know I’ve let you down. But what you need to know is WE are worth fighting for. WE aren’t perfect and I wouldn’t want to be. WE are human. This human loves his wife something fierce. I’ll be proving to you just how fierce.

  For now, I leave you with this: I don’t need to forgive you for losing our baby. That’s not your fault and I think you already know this deep down. There’s no resentment and I never blamed you! Remember me? I’m the one who was with you through every pregnancy and had the joy of watching you deliver 4 tiny little monsters. I KNOW the depths that you’ll go to protect them all. I love you more than any “sanctity of perfection” (your words) and I don’t want perfect! Let’s attempt to not be perfect ever again. I only want us to be REAL. I want us. I want the love of my life to never question what’s real or fake with us! New Rule: If you hate doing something, we’re not doing it, ever again. No more “sucking up” babe.

  Can’t wait to get home from work. I love you.

  Drake

  Chapter 10

  Drake

  She texted. That means something. But I’m not finished yet. A positive reaction from Phase I is motivation to continue. I have to stay the course. I’ve been distracted and unable to focus since I walked into work today. I know I have shit to do. Contracts don’t read and write themselves and current negotiations that I’m handling have been nothing more than tossing the damn football today. This day just isn’t going by fast enough. I need to get home.

  I pick up the phone connecting me to my admin. She answers promptly. Good. “Hello, Mr. Adams. What can I help you with?”

  You can start by helping me get the fuck out of here four hours sooner than scheduled, I want to say but instead, “Christina, I need to leave early. Please confirm I have no scheduled meetings this afternoon.”

  I hear her feverishly typing before responding. “Um…Yes, sir. You have no scheduled meetings. You asked to have the afternoon blocked for the Fuller Land Project negotiations and contract review. Do you need me to schedule a meeting for you, sir?”

  “Absolutely not, the opposite in fact. I’ll be leaving the office and I don’t expect to return today and possibly not tomorrow. I’ll be working from home on the Fuller Land Project. Any business other than that, please cancel and reschedule,” I reply.

  “Yes… yes, sir. Is everything alright Mr. Adams?” I know my current actions are raising unnecessary alarm. Leaving the office at this hour is certainly out of character for me. But clearly my work-o-holics tendencies need to be curbed. Contracts don’t read and write themselves, but wives forget how much they are loved when their husband’s never around.

  “Everything is fine Christina. I’ll be reachable via my cell should anything pertaining to the project arise. Let Dawson know my change in plans immediately, please.” I disconnect quickly and begin gathering the files for the project. I may be the CEO but I have built an amazing team. Let’s just see how they do on their own for a couple days.

  I’m marching out of the door of my office less than five minutes later. I check my watch feeling a little excited that I’ll be able to arrive home and surprise Cami before she leaves to pick up the kids. Even though I never planned to rush home early and surprise her, Phase I just added a whole new element.

  By leaving at this time of day, I’ll completely avoid rush hour traffic. I merge onto I-275 feeling free. I open the sunroof and loosen my tie. The music is blasting when Matthew Mayfield’s song, First In Line comes on my playlist. Cami and I have listened to MM for a long time. We’re both big fans of his work. But I know this is one of Cami’
s favorites.

  As I’m listening to the lyrics of a song I’ve listened to countless times, the words finally hit home. I silently berate myself for not catching it sooner. Damn. I married a fucking saint.

  As challenging as the last few weeks have been, I don’t think I’ve ever made things particularly easy. I made supporting my family my number one priority and at times felt that was enough. Well, that was not enough. Cami never came out and asked me to make her a priority, but she shouldn’t have had to.

  I’ve built my career. I’ve asked her to attend and sometimes host business dinners with people she doesn’t know, and most of the time the people we were spending time with, are people we’d never want to be friends with outside the business world. My wife isn’t an elitist. She couldn’t care less about status. She cares about people. She’s a nurturer. And God knows, she’s a far better human than I.

  I never offer to watch the kids so she can have time to herself and I realize now that’s why my referring to babysitting the children while she went to the hospital bothered her so much. Hell, Cams doesn’t often get time to herself yet I do regularly.

  I step on the gas driving a little faster even if it only equates to getting home a few minutes sooner, it’s a few minutes extra that she deserves. While I’m driving, I decide to make a call to confirm arrangements for Phase II. I finish my calls successfully just as I’m arriving home. I press the button on the garage seeing her SUV in its spot. I knew she’d likely be home but I’m glad I was right.

  When I open the door to house, I hear music playing and the smell of something sweet cooking. Home Sweet Home. I round the corner to the kitchen realizing she hasn’t realized I’m home yet. I watch quietly from the corner as she sashays around the kitchen singing along to Brett Young, another one of her favorites. This has to be the most adorable thing I’ve ever seen and after fourteen years together, I’m ashamed to say I haven’t ever had the joy of witnessing this.

  When the song ends, and she’s patiently waiting for the next song on the playlist to start, I take advantage of the opportunity and let my presence be known. “Hello there, beautiful.” I say from my corner. She turns quickly to my direction.

  “Oh. My. God. Drake, you scared me. What are you doing home? Is everything okay?” I see the worry on her face.

  I smile at her and am pleased to see the worry lines that crease her forehead fade. “Yeah, I was anxious to get home and spend some quality time with you,” I tell her with the smile from her adorable performance still fresh in my mind.

  “Um… I have to get the kids in an hour, Drake. I don’t have time for the type of quality time you’re asking for.” I see a glimpse of disappointment in her eye. She’s thinking I came home early just to get laid. Well she’s wrong. Show her. I tell myself silently.

  “I know, babe. I just wanted to hang out. Whatcha baking?” I ask, walking toward her pulling up the sleeves to my shirt and untucking it. Time to get my hands dirty.

  “Oh… well… I’m just making a carrot cake for Whitney. I was going to take it by the house later.” She tells me resuming her task but curiously watching me out of the corner of her eye. “She’s been home from the hospital a couple of days. I thought she might want a little visit.”

  I can’t deny that a part of me is disappointed she was planning to leave tonight but I attempt to shake it off, reminding myself that I wanted her to do things for herself. I question if baking a cake to take care of her friend is truly for herself but, baby steps, I suppose. She looks up at me when I finish washing my hands and I walk over to her. “What can I do, babe? I’m ready.” I stand waiting for instructions. Her casual glance from before has now morphed into uncertainty. Poor thing is shocked.

  “Well… I wasn’t really expecting you home and your mom offered to come over to have dinner with the kids. I can cancel. I could go tomorrow. Whit and Jon won’t mind.” She finishes quickly, backtracking, trying to do what she thinks I would want.

  “No, babe. Don’t cancel. I was serious when I said I wanted you to do things for you. I’ll take care of the kids, we can save my mom for a night we could do something together, maybe,” I offer. She looks a little disappointed by my response, which leads me to believe either she’s declining alone time with me or she really doesn’t want to go check on Whit and Jon.

  I take her shoulders, turning her to face me. “Speak. What’s up? Are you not happy I’m home? Am I cramping your style?” I ask mentally preparing myself for her honesty but she’s already shaking her head before I can even finish.

  “No. It’s just, I wasn’t expecting you home early. And now that you’re here and staying,” she pauses. “I know I need to see Whit too...but after today. This morning. Your notes. And now you being home…I’m just torn.”

  Fucking adorable, she’s mumbling her words. Maybe I can fix this. “We do have a sitter. If you want, I can take you to dinner then we’ll go visit Whitney together, or I’ll come home if you’d rather go alone.” I offer.

  She nods her head and with a smile on her face responds, “Together. Yes. Thank you.” Then turns to finish icing the cake.

  I lean over her shoulder, pretending to sniff the cake she’s working on but really, I’m inhaling the scent of Cams. Coconuts and lilies. She swipes her finger across the excess cream cheese frosting on the spoon she’s using, then offers me her finger to taste. Yes ma’am. I’ll take it.

  Chapter 11

  Cami

  Today has been everything I never expected. I woke up thinking it would be yet another day of muddling through the murky of waters of the unknowns. I’m not sure I can say everything is fine. Today, everything has been…different. An amazing different, but different none the less.

  Drake coming home early was a shocker, I mean, that’s happened never. Unless of course he’s had to, but to walk through the door in the middle of the day, roll up his sleeves and be prepared to HELP? Yeah, I’m still going with different.

  We’re in the SUV driving to school to pick up the kids. I’m not even positive he knows where to go but this is a little exciting. I’m happy because I know it will make the kids super happy. So far this will go down in the record books as a day he officially managed to sweep me off my feet.

  “So, a date night? Where will you be taking me, sir?” I ask with a hint of sarcasm while waiting at a stop light. He’s fiddling with his phone, I’m sure, browsing his emails. He presses a button on the dash and music fills the SUV. It’s Matthew Mayfield.

  “This song,” he starts telling me with his eyes on the road proceeding through the intersection. “I’ve listened to it a thousand times, I think. Do you know I’ve never actually heard the words until today?” he asks, but I know he’s not asking here, he doesn’t need my acknowledgement. “Today I rushed out of work to come home to you. Not for an emergency or because I was needed, per se, at home. Nah… I rushed out of work because I couldn’t stand one more minute being away from YOU. I had to see you.” I place my hand on his thigh and start to tell him how nice the surprise was, but before I can, he’s talking again. “So I’m in the car racing like hell to get home. To YOU. And this song comes on. I heard the words today. I get it. I just want you to know. YOU babe, First In Line, Always. From now on. Understand?”

  I nod my head, accepting his statement. I don’t understand completely what’s changed in him so much in the last twenty four hours but whatever it was, I’ll take it. I’m afraid to speak. I know that if I try to respond to his sentiment that I will become a mess of emotions and right now, I don’t want that. So I sit back in my seat next to my husband and feel contentment as we drive along listening to Matthew serenade us.

  I don’t think my children have ever been this happy with their afternoon pickup arrangement, which is insane since I do exactly what we’re doing right now pretty regularly, but having daddy here with us is a special enough treat for even me to understand the difference. “Aubri, please don’t wipe your ice cream mouth on your shirt. Use your napkin.�
�� I remind the littlest one and she smiles not bothering to wipe her mouth at all, letting the frozen yogurt drip right down her lip to her shirt. I should care, but I have to be honest, I don’t. At all. I have no interest in ruining the mood with cleaning up. Drake said no more perfect. I’m all in for that plan.

  Drake is fully engaged in a conversation with the boys about the marvel comic heroes. That’s their new obsession these days and not only is that what we read, play and watch, it’s their favorite thing to talk about, All. The. Time. For once I’m not the one that has to listen and engage. I sit back and enjoy the moment, taking it all in. Fortunately, not missing the part where Drake reaches over and pulls Aubri into his lap to finish her treat so that she’s not left out of the group hangout with daddy just for being the smallest and the only girl. He’s a good dad. I knew that. But it’s really nice to have these little reminders some times. He looks up at me with that smile with a twinkle in his eye, and winks. I melt.

  By the time we’re home, settled and my mother in-law arrives, I’m exhausted. Every part of me wants to crawl into bed and curl in for a long nights sleep but I know it’s just all the emotions of the day. I change into a jumper and sandals hoping wherever we eat will be casual. I tie my hair up into a messy bun and quickly brush some bronzer across my cheeks. I’m ready to get this show on the road. If I drag my feet, we’ll never leave.

  Drake is in the kitchen with his mom and the kids chatting and when I walk into the room they all hush up and just smile. Something is indeed up with my normally very noisy little bunch. “What’s up you guys?” I ask to the group. The kids immediately begin to giggle but Drake, plays it ever so cool.

  “Oh nothing, sunshine. You look beautiful tonight.” He smiles, coming up next to me and kissing my cheek. “Kiss your children, we need to go.” He finishes with his still plastered panty melting smile. Hmmm… fortunately for me, the littlest one can’t keep a secret. She’ll tell me in the morning before school. Mark my words. For now, I’ll let them think they pulled the wool over my eyes. After hugs and kisses we’re out the door.